On Facebook, On Today, and On the Past

I’m in this weird “in between” stage with my writing. I’ve finished writing a novel, I’ve outlined several new ones, and I’ve re-read several old ones. I’ve also recently pulled out a book of poetry I had written over a decade ago, a few poems of which I’ve shared this week. Overall though I’m talking about hundreds of poems written during a couple of youthful and chaotic years. It brought back so many odd memories.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to talk and hang with a younger version of yourself? I’d love to meet that 20 something version of me and tell him that everything is going to be ok. All of your dreams will come true. I’d love to meet the teen version of me and tell him to be stronger.

And so of course I have to wonder what my 50 year old self would tell my current 35 year old self. What am I doing now that he would think is crazy?

I have no regrets though. I have plenty of crazy stories that I have thankfully documented. Maybe I’ll share them someday. So many are embarrassing but so many are fun. It was a carefree time in my life.

Although I’ve finished a novel, I haven’t written poetry in a long time. The only recent poem I can remember was something I wrote after my dad died. I thought about sharing that, but after re-reading it tonight and bursting into tears, it’s just too much to share right now. No one needs to be that sad.

I’m happy now. I’ve left those crazy 20s behind, and to keep from boredom I’ve created new goals. But for old time’s sake, I thought I’d try to write something spontaneous. Perhaps not exactly poetic. Just something thoughtful. I don’t know what I’m going to write about as I write this sentence. As Stephen King wrote, “Amateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.” So here’s my 35 year old self attempting to be genuinely spontaneous in writing.

Facebook vs. Blogging 

Browsing my Facebook history,

I’m amused at my online identity.

I’ll share my favorite books and movies,

And I’ll even post an occasional selfie.

I’ll tell you what I love about education,

And I’ll try to motivate and inspire.

But I don’t get too personal.

Facebook is a pond, and blogging is a river.
I get deeper, I let the current take me away.
I am lost in my own thoughts,
Not a dozen random no one needs to know posts.

Our Facebook lives are such bullshit.

Who cares what TV show we love?
(But damn, I heart Game of Thrones!)

Who cares what we made for dinner?
(But damn, this homemade pizza rocks!)
We all try and show off a bit.

My life is great because I’m doing ____.

If all I know about you is what you post online,

That’s a shame.

We’re not real friends.

I used to think Facebook made me closer

To those I never got a chance to see.

Now I think it’s created an excuse

So I can avoid you.

Facebook is the Cliff’s Notes of friendship,

A lousy excuse to stay connected.

And blogging may not be much better,

But it is a bit deeper.

Instead of the superficial,
I see a bit of your soul.
Instead of my weekend adventures,
You see a bit of my mind.
But blogging takes time.
Time to read, and time to write.
It's so much easier to scroll and "like."
But do I write for me or do I write for you?
Do we post for ourselves or for others?
And does any of this matter at all?

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Power

               The person who invades your dreams has extreme power.

                In sleep, we are most vulnerable.

                You came to me last night in my dreams.

                (How many times is it now?)
                Arms open.

                Crawling in my bed.

                I rolled, to make it easier for you.

                And then you kissed me.

                Divine.

                You stroked my body.

                Hand gliding down my chest.

                Making my back curl like a gymnast.

                You grabbed me.

                Put me inside you.

                I was in nothing less than heaven.

                But as we all must do,

                I woke up.

                And I lost you.

                Again.

                (How many times is it now?)

                I roll over to an empty bed,

                And I long for one person.

                The one I will never have.

                The one who controls my dreams.

                The one with the power.

                The one who controls me.

- Written summer of 2004

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The answer

When you didn't come home,

When you didn't call,

When you avoided me and didn't make the time,

We discovered the truth.

By avoiding the question,

It becomes obvious

That the least desired answer

Is the right one.

-- Spring 2004

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Blind Man Walking

For weeks, I could see the brain of my toilet.
The chain had broken, and I had to reach into the fluid to flush.
After a couple of days, this didn't seem weird at all.
Funny the things we can get used to.
Go without cable for a month and you realize you don't need it.
Live alone for a year, and you know you can survive without others.
Raised on specific religious and political beliefs, and you'll never think you're wrong.
Maybe we are robots.
Conditioned and programmed and not unique at all.
Do you have the brains of a toilet?
Is someone pulling your chain?
Do you walk on paths paved only by others?

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Lazy inspiration

I'd like to sit and think.
To do nothing.
Boredom is for lazy fools.
Give me boredom.
Give me time to write some bad poetry.
But there's always something we have to do.
Freedom is not free.
Sometimes I want to be the moon.
Far away from this world,
Visible only in darkness
To romantic star-searchers
And deep thinkers.
It's the object of desire
And inspiration.
And it's never called upon
To do anything.

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The Joy of Writing

The novel consumed me,
A plethora of vultures
Attacking a corpse in the desert.
The novel was my child.
Pleasure and pain,
A thorn on a rose.
The novel fucked me.
Abusing my body,
It erased my mind.
The novel was a third shift waitress,
High on heroin,
At a cheap street corner dive.
The novel was me.
A clone, a brother,
Conscious and subconscious.
It was the sun behind the night.
And it was blinding.

- Written in the winter of 2003

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On writing, and a re-introduction to the blogosphere

I’ve had several journeys with blogging. My first attempt was a blog devoted to politics, and I’m still surprised at the number of views the blog received and the number of real friends I made (and lost) due to those discussions. While I’m still politically active and always open to a good face to face discussion, I deleted the political blogs. I was tired of fighting, tired of ignorance. There are only so many bigoted people in the world that I can deal with at one time. So I focused my energy on my other life passions.

And I do have several. Teaching is #1. I’ve been a teacher for 14 years now, 10 of those at the high school level where I taught all sorts of English classes, from American literature to creative writing and everything you can imagine in between. Now I teach communication classes at the college level, an intro to comm class, public speaking, intercultural communication, comm theory, and more. It’s fantastic.

My #2 passion is tied between fitness and martial arts. I started training in the martial arts over 20 years ago, and I’ve created and taught a variety of programs. I currently host a karate club at the college where I teach. Fitness to me is like breathing—I have to have it every day. After taking dozens of classes and doing home DVD programs, I became certified in a few programs and teach 4-5 group fitness classes each week. Those are also fantastic.

It’s not fair to say my #3 passion is writing. I can’t give it a number. You see, I enjoy reflecting and writing on my passions, so writing is like the skin that holds all those passions together. Without my ability to write, I’m not sure those passions would fully exist. So let’s just say that writing is also a huge passion.

This summer, I finished writing a novel and am in the process of sending out queries and looking for an agent. I’ve written a lot before: other novels, short stories, poems, news articles, theses, and more. I’ve published many articles in magazines (and got paid for it, yeah!), but I’ve never tried to publish fiction. Even though I’ve completed works of fiction before, I never thought they were good enough for mass publication.

Until now.

 I’m fired up, and since finishing a book this summer, actually letting friends read it, and revising, revising, revising, I’m ready to add “author” to my resume. I’ve outlined 3 more books, and hope to write a couple a year. I’m an optimistic person, a go-getter, no doubt. I don’t mean to be arrogant, but I’ve always believed passion and persistence pay off. Of course, one needs patience too. The longer I wait to hear back from my queries (and I’ve only sent a few so far, and only just last week), the more I think about the kind of author I want to be. I’ll keep re-reading and revising my current book as long as I need to do so, and I’ll keep writing other stories until I find an audience.

So that’s why I’m returning to the blogosphere. I’m going to share my writing journey and hope to connect with others who have similar goals and experiences. I’m going to share some writing, much of it old and terrible (can’t share the new stuff yet!). I don’t want to self-publish. Call me greedy, but I want to see that printed book with my name on the side at my local bookstore. That’d be cool!

If you browse through older posts, you’ll likely see a lot about fitness and some about teaching. Hey, like I said, those are my big passions and I have to write about them, even if most of what I have written is personal and has not been shared yet.

I’m going to try and share a lot more. I’m going to try and read a lot more too. So blogosphere—who’s writing and trying to publish? And how’s that going?

Since this is a blog of re-introduction, I’d like to include a little informal bio below. Check it out if you’re curious about my background. Ignore if not, and that’s ok—I’d still like to hear about your writing journey.

-          I graduated from Illinois Central College in 1999 with an Associates of Arts & Sciences (this is where I now teach!). From ICC, I transferred to Eureka College and graduated in 2001 with a Bachelor’s degree in English and a secondary education certification (summa cum laude).

-          I started my teaching career at Metamora High School where I taught high school students for ten years, from 2001-2010.

 -        While at the high school, I pursued more education and graduated from Bradley University in 2008 with a Master’s degree in Liberal Studies, a very cool program that combined science, psychology, literature, law, communication, and religion—it was like an advanced gen ed program but you had to connect all of the subjects.

-          After that (something was wrong with me, I know), I went for a second master’s degree. In May 2011, I earned a another Master’s degree specifically in Speech Communication from North Dakota State University

-          I have studied abroad in Tokyo, Japan at Sophia University, and I STRONGLY believe no college education is complete without a study abroad experience.

-          I’m now beginning my 14^th year as a full-time educator. I’ve taught dozens of subjects including English, American literature, journalism, creative writing, and so much more! This is my 4^th year as a full-time professor at ICC.

-          You can’t teach public speaking and not do it, right? I love inspirational events, and I have been hired as a motivational speaker, performing at all-school assemblies and special events for multiple central Illinois schools and organizations.

-          I’ve won a few awards for teaching, which of course is cool but I have a lot more I want to accomplish. My first award was the Golden Apple Award in 2001 for the best student-teacher from my college; thirteen years later, I won Advisor of the Year for 2013-14 for my work with student organizations at my college.  

-          I also love fitness! I am a certified Turbo Kick instructor and P90X Instructor, and I teach about 4-5 fitness classes a week just for fun at our very own ICC CougarPlex.

-          I started the Cougar Karate Club last year on campus, a free martial arts club our students. I’m also a martial artist. I’ve earned a 4^th degree black belt in karate, and I enjoy sharing that passion too.

-          I run a college food pantry and am always shocked at the number of people who need help. It’s a great joy to provide that help.

-          This last May, I completed the Master of Online Teaching program and am now an official Master Online Teacher. I prefer face to face classes, but I also take pride in improving the online environment. Teaching and learning online is inevitable in today’s world, so I’ve tried to learn more and make it better!

-          And like most of you I’m sure, I cherish my family and friends (and I’d include pets in that statement too—2 dogs and 3 cats make my small home a big zoo some days!) above pretty much anything else.

-          And of course my next big goal is to be a published and successful fiction writer! (And maybe some more non-fiction and memoir too!)

If you’ve read this far, you must be a good friend. Or my grandmother. Or just a really cool dude. Thanks.

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